I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
