I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
