Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
