I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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