we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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