Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
