dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
