When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
OPIZZABONMYDICK
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
