remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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