i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
