I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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