I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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