Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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