He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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