The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize