I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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