if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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