oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
