Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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