I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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