New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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