My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
