matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
