I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
