OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
