I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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