the condom got lost in my hair
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
