I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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