i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
