If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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