you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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