Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
