i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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