that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
