I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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