i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
