Umm I'm too high to move.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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