I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
