Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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