we have pet lesbian snakes
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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