ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
