I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
