I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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