The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
