They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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