dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
