awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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