I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize