In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
