You're earring is so big in my mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize