one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
