Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
