Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
