Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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