That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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