dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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