Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
