Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
