And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
