Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They are going to name an STD after you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
