I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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