I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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