JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize