Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
