Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
