My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
