Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
