I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
